Seafood Humor

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What do you mean Food And Drug is sampling the shipment?!!!

Maine lobsterman pulls up rare lobster

July 14, 2006

BAR HARBOR, Maine --An eastern Maine lobsterman caught a lobster this week that looks like it's half-cooked.

The lobster caught by Alan Robinson in Dyer's Bay that is a typical mottled green on one side; the other side is a shade of orange that looks cooked.

Robinson, of Steuben, donated the lobster to the Mount Desert Oceanarium. Staff members say the odds or finding a half-and-half lobster are 1 in 50 million to 100 million. By comparison, the odds of finding a blue lobster are about 1 in a million.

Robinson, who has been fishing for more than 20 years, said he didn't know what to think when he spotted the odd creature in his trap.

"I thought somebody was playing a joke on me," Robinson said. "Once I saw what it was ... it was worth seeing."

Bette Spurling, who works at the oceanarium, said lobster shells are usually a blend of the three primary colors: red, yellow and blue. Those colors mix to form the greenish-brown color of most lobsters. This lobster, though, has no blue in half of its shell, she said.

Bernard Arseneau, a former manager at the oceanarium's lobster hatchery, said lobsters also have a growth pattern in which the two sides develop independently of each other.

The oceanarium has received only three two-toned lobsters in its 35 years of existence, staff members said.

 Bad News, Good News, Great News

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced  State Troopers.
 
We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
 
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
 
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
 
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
 
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Bay."
 
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
 
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
 
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
 
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow! "

A Side Biz

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store...

When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the
clerics,

"Are you the fish fryer?" 

Oh, no, the cleric answers, "I'm the chip monk!"

The Old Man and the Sea

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their
adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg
leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did
you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and
were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my
hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

A High-Flying Seagull?

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old
son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where
a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to
Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought for a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back
down?"

IS THIS REAL?

The Drowning Wife

Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing
about in the deep water.  Another man was standing on the shore
screaming for help.

The fisherman ran over to the man.  "Help!" the other man started, "I
can't swim!  My wife's drowning!  I'll give you one thousand dollars
if you save her!"

The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to the
flailing woman, puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore. 
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman coughs up water,
then says, "Ok, bud, where's my grand?"

"But you saved the wrong woman," shouted the man. "My wife had
already gone under the water!"

"Then who is this woman I saved?" asked the fisherman.

"My mother-in-law!" exclaimed the man.

The fisherman reaches into his pocket and says, "Just my luck!  Ok,
how much do I owe you?"

Hungry Fish?

The Genesis of All

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. He was
immediately slapped with a class-action suit for failing to file an
environmental impact statement.

God was granted a temporary permit for the project but was stymied
with the cease-and-desist order for the Earthly part.

At the hearing, God said, "Let there be light."

Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be
made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. He
was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no
smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a
building permit and that, to conserve energy, he would turn the light
off half the time.

God agreed and said he would call the light "day" and the
darkness "night".

Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the Earth bring forth green herbs and bear much seed."

The EPA agreed, as long as native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting
life; and the fowl that may fly over the Earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department
of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
Audubongelic Society.

Everything went smoothly until God said He wanted to complete the
project in six days.

Officials said it would take at lease 200 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be a 10 to 12 month approval period
before ...

At that point, God created hell.

A Whale Of A Chat

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual
findings he had made.  "For instance," he said, "some whales can
communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked
a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but I bet it sounds
something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'"

Fish OK After Extinguishing Fire

EAGAN, Minn.(AP) A smoke alarm summoned firefighters to a school in the middle of the night, but when they arrived the flames already had been put out. Dory took care of it.

Dory is a fish, a Betta kept in a vase on a desk in a third-grade classroom at Trinity Lone Oak Lutheran School.

A forgotten candle started a small fire on the desk on Jan. 24, setting off the smoke alarm and shattering the fish bowl, spilling enough water to put out the flames.

Firefighters found a few embers still glowing on the desk and Dory still alive in a puddle.

"It was certainly looking distinctly unhappy," firefighter Al Taylor said of the little fish.

Firefighters put Dory in a new container, and now the children in the class are excited about their little hero, said teacher Linda Krienke.

"Each of them wrote a story from the fish's point of view, how his Friday night went. He saw the fire, and then he got real hot and then his vase broke and he fell on the floor and the fireman came in and saved him."

The room was heavily damaged by smoke, so the students and their little mascot were moved to the school music room.

Dory, named for the sidekick who helps find a kidnapped fish in the movie "Finding Nemo," is "quite a survivor," Krienke said.

Published - Jan 31 2004 11:16AM Eastern || Associated Press

Benevolent Official

One day a government official went into a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where
the live lobsters were kept...

The official  took pity on these creatures, found a large Hefty bag to put them
in, and left the restaurant in a benevolent attempt to save the lobsters
from the fate that awaited them in the restaurant...

Later, the official went to the woods to set the poor animals free. 

Strolling along, minding my own business and Whammy! 

Talking Sea-Birds

Son of a Bitch Fish

On the last day of his trip, the priest hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a "Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch fish?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch fish."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are
you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops'
dinner."

"Sister!  I'll clean it if you're so upset!  Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with
it and that Son of a Bitch fish can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and
the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"          
" I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a
special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You crazy bastards are my kind of people." !!!!!!!!

Crazy Carp

ST. LOUIS (Aug. 28) - Crazy carp have invaded Missouri's rivers. Two species of nonnative carp have been jumping into boats, injuring occupants and damaging the watercraft.

A state fisheries biologist motoring near Columbia had a filling knocked out of his tooth by a high-flying fish that struck him on the side of the head. Another state biologist in the St. Charles area was seriously hurt when he was hit by a giant carp.

Brian Todd of the Missouri Department of Conservation said the big head carp and silver carp were brought to private fish hatcheries from Asia by the aquaculture industry. They were intended to eat excess algae and waste in aquaculture ponds - which grow fish for food as well as bait and tropical fish. But they escaped in floodwaters in 1993, 1995 and 2002.

``This could be an indefinite problem,'' Todd said. ``They are safe to eat, but ecologically they could damage the mussel population and are competing with native fish for food. We are going to hear more and more over the next few years about the problems these fish are causing, especially injuries to boaters and anglers.''

Todd said the carp have been spotted in many of Missouri's rivers, including throughout the Missouri River.

``The sound of a propeller under water makes these fish go crazy,'' Todd said. ``The fish don't jump if you're sitting there without the motor on, but the higher the RPMs, the greater the noise, the higher these fish jump.''

08/28/03 11:39 EDT
   
Copyright 2003 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. 

LOVE NOTE:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky

The fisherman, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow ship-mates for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take care.
Ricky

Lessons That Hollywood Has Taught Us

* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessors.

* Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down
three days before their retirement.

* All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level
of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

* At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.

* All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

*Every Italian family has at least one of their crime bosses frequenting a fish stand.

* You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating,
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

* If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through
it before long.

* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.

* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but
luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

*A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

*Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

Fun With Gators

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his
boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to
the overturned craft.  Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the
shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. As he
got closer to shore he shouted to the guy again "What did you do to
get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all."

T-shirt slogans

Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

Talking Fish

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Fish
for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
fish is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard
and sees a single goldfish in a tank on the porch.
"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the fish replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The fish looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told
the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting
from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and
world leaders, cause no one figured a goldfish would be
eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed
up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
work, mostly sitting in a tank near the check-in points
listening in to suspicious characters. I uncovered some incredible dealings there
and was awarded a batch of medals.   I did get some coins which were dropped in, although some of them hit me in the head.

  Had a wife, a mess of
fish lings, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
he wants for the goldfish. The owner says "Five dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This
fish is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $5?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

How To Build A Seafood Web Page In 28 Steps

1.   Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.

2.   Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.

3.   Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they
have released a new version since the first time you downloaded it -
20 minutes.

4.   Decide to just steal some fish and shrimp images and awards to put on your site -
1 minute.

5.   Visit sites to find fish and shrimp images and awards, find 5 of them that you
like - 4 days.

6.   Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download
it again - 25 minutes.

7.   Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to
see what they do - 15 minutes.

8.   View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words
here and there - 4 hours.

9.   Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours. 

11.  Another seafood wholesaler calls you upset that you stole his company image - 30 seconds. 

12.  Apologize and make up some excuse - 30 seconds.

13.  Remove the image - 10 seconds.

14.  Set the text's font color to the same color as your background,
wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.

15.  Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.

16.  Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number
S6.3 E10" - 3 hours.

17.  Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.

18.  Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your
ISP - 40 minutes.

19. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.

20.  Recreate your web page - 2 days.

21.  Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's
server - 3 weeks.

22.  Call a patient friend to find out about FTP ~ 30 minutes.

23.  Download FTP software - 10 minutes.

24.  Call your friend again - 15 minutes.

25.  Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.

26.  Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute. 

27.  Department of Marine Services bans import of one of your seafood items.  You have to find another product – 3 months 

28.  Your web site is already obsolete and needs to be updated -
repeat steps 1 through 27 – be more careful and skip #11 & #12 – and hope that #27 doesn’t happen again .

The Pirate

In a bar one day, a pirate was talking to the bartender.
The bartender asked him, "Why do you have a peg leg?"
The pirate answered, "Back when I was sailing the seas, a
big shark noticed me swimming one day and bit off me leg."
"Well, then how did you get the hook?" the bartender asked,
pointing to the place where the pirate's left hand used to
be.
The pirate responded, "Well, me crew and myself were
engaged in a rough battle one day and me hand was cut off
by a slimy coward's sword."
The bartender looked at the hook for a moment. "Well now I
have to ask how you got the eye patch."

The pirate snarled, "I looked at a gull flying overhead in
the harbor one day and it took a dump right in me eye."
The bartender was puzzled by this last explanation. "How
would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with me hook."
 

Funny jobs 

My first job was as a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was
a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory,
but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little
spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy enough.

I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried,
but I just didn't fit in.

 The I tried working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I finally got a job as a historian,
until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED...

Stupid People

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid."
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them
anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't
see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes
and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes
over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff
up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's
your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled
his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass
and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one
way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it
looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and
you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right,
but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks
at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those
other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over
to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We
get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and
grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if
he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler frozen reefer in my days of adventure. Wouldn't
you know, when delivering a load of shrimp I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for
help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He
went through his basic questioning ... okay....no problem. I thought
for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is
your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked
back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering
a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said,
"Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago.
Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? The next time someone says
something stupid, ask them where their sign is.
 

On The High Seas 

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain
Bravo's lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became
frantic!
      
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red
shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock,
the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated
the pirates.
      
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck
recounting the day's triumph.  One of them asked the
captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before battle?"
      
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in
the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood.
Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage
and intelligence of such a manly man's man.
      
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout
spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships
approaching!  The crew stared in worshipful silence
at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant
orders.
      
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the
vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without
fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown
pants."

Super Chicken?*

In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted
from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry
Federation, telling the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device
for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a
gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at
approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass
impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It
seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a
windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and
fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through
the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself
in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and
asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done
correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

"Use a thawed chicken."

*These is not a seafood or fish joke, but it is about food - and besides, we think it is funny!

Dumb Facts

*  It is impossible to lick your elbow.

*  A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

*  A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

*  A shrimp's heart is in its head.

*  In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

*  It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

*  More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or
received a telephone call

*  The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.

*  Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have
over a million descendants.

*  Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.

*  In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

*  A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

*  Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

*  Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
 

A Challenging Order

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the
wall that reads:

"$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When the waitress arrives at his table, the customer orders sting-ray
tail on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all
hell breaks out!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to
the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You
got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time
in ten years we've been out of rye bread

At The Beach

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them
an ice cream cone.

Having purchased two cones, Mr. Lobster made his way back to
the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time
he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriend's had
started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up
eating it too.

When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed "Where's
my ice cream cone?

"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate
that too."

She was incensed and cried "You shellfish bastard!!"

Tattoo Truth

As an obstetrician I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in
Labor & Delivery. For example, one patient had some type of fish
tattoo on her abdomen.

"That sure is a pretty whale," I commented.

With a smile, she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

Three Wishes

A big-time seafood negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a
strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it and threw it
on the ground next to him...

The fish started writhing in agony and to the negotiator's surprise,
said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three
wishes."

"Any three wishes, huh?" the seafood negotiator said as visions of expensive,
fast cars paraded through his head. "Fish," he finally
exclaimed, "give me five wishes and I'll throw you back in."

"Sorry," said the fish, while struggling for breath, "only three
wishes."

The seafood negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some
thought, he said, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for
four wishes."

"Only three," murmured the fish weakly.

Fuming mad, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three
wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the
man decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and
said, "All right fish, you win, give me the three wishes."

The man looked down to see that the fish had died.

A Fish Heads-Up

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's
quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies,
lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since
you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish
heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer a dozen. A week later, he's back in the store
complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any
smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads.

Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry because he
has found out how much the local supermarket charges for fish.  "Hey,
Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I
can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

Obeying the Law

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

 The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man responded.

 "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

Contact Information:

Telephone

 

212-750-5377

 

FAX

 

212-308-0223

 

Postal address

 

PREMIUM SEAFOOD CO., INC.

          PO Box 691

          F.D.R. Station

New York, NY  10150

Electronic mail:   premiumseafood@premiumseafood.com

Questions or Comments about this site: TMBar0800@aol.com